“Trapped in Elegance”

“Trapped in Elegance,” is a collaboration with the incredible Bee Grandinetti.

Mid 2021- Bee came to me with beautiful designs and topic I resonated with a ton: hoping we could collaborate together. For me, it was the first time dedicating myself to artwork that would explore the experience of being a woman in our society.

This piece was extremely transformative for me. It felt amazing to create something I cared so deeply about and made me realize how little I connected to my work in the past. It lit a new fire under my booty. In a dude-filled CG animation industry where hair skills are touted by guys who never experienced the wonderful fatigue of intricate braiding- It has been a personal challenge of mine for a while now to be able to do hair in CG. And so this was also my first go at hair.

It’s a weird thing- being an artist as a minority in America. Artists express themselves- but how do you express yourself when you’ve been taught to not value your own voice?

At the tail end of this project, I was happily working on this and stopped for a second to peruse the good ol’ gram. My heart dropped with another massive intake of news covering violence against Asians. My stomach felt queasy. I pushed away from my computer and crumpled up in my partner’s arms to cry.

Two hours later, I was dancing my heart out, jumping up and down and screaming with joy because I had finished the project. I thought to myself, “I did it. I finally did it. I did something for myself! And I enjoyed it! Why did it take me so long?!” And I realized, I had been trapped in an image I had of myself. I had to be perfect. And beautiful. And smart. And funny. And coordinated. And cool. And driven. And accomplished. But all those things made me feel hopeless. Like I would never be enough. And it is because of the body I was born into. The world told me that I was stupid. That I wasn’t athletic. That I wasn’t as smart. That I wasn’t funny. The world told me I was less because I am a woman.

I realize that who I am now isn’t possible without the person I was- just as my moment of joy wasn’t possible without my moment of sorrow just two hours earlier. Maybe I was in a box because I never learned to use my voice in more than just a loud way. Maybe the world taught me to value others before myself. Maybe I just didn't know any better.

And here it is everyone: here comes the corn. Right now- it’s been a lot of women in my life that have pulled me out of this box. It happened. Girl Power is real. And if you let it, community and support among your sisters can be a sledgehammer. But you don’t have to be a lady to be an ally to me ❤️